The Indictment

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. The selective outrage, double standards, and oversimplified analysis are intentional elements of the satire.

One morning, as India awoke from troubled dreams, it found itself transformed in its bed into a monstrous villain. It lay on its hard, armored back feeling the weight of accusation pressing down upon it. Lifting its head slightly, it could see the figure of Mr. President looming in the doorway, his finger already extended in judgment.

“You have been summoned,” said Mr. President without greeting. His voice carried the impersonal authority of one who need not explain himself. “The evidence of your transgressions has been documented.” He did not specify which court had found India guilty, nor did he need to. The machinery of condemnation had been set in motion long before this moment.

The charges were read from a scroll that seemed to extend infinitely: petroleum imports from Russia rising from 280 million to 724 million (Figure 1), a crime made more severe by its mathematical precision. India attempted to explain that it had merely participated in the global market, but found its mouth unable to form words that would be understood. The language of self-defense had been declared inadmissible.

Figure 1: Petroleum imported by India from Russia

“You have taken oil,” continued Mr. President, “and through processes both mysterious and condemnable, transformed it into different oil, which you then sold to Europe. (Figure 2)” He spoke as though describing an obscene ritual. “This is not permitted.” He did not clarify who had established these permissions, or when India had been informed of them.

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Figure 2: Indian Petroleam Export to EU

India tried to point to others in the waiting room—China sat comfortably in one corner, Europe huddled beneath blankets in another—but (Figure 3) Mr. President’s gaze remained fixed, as though these others existed in a different dimension, visible to India but not to him. “Their circumstances are different,” he said, though he did not elaborate on the nature of these differences. “Their geographies and histories have been properly filed and approved.”

Figure 3: Top Payers to Russia for Fossil Fuels

A clerk appeared with a thick ledger documenting India’s arms relationship with Russia (Figure 4). The clerk wore spectacles but did not appear to read through them; the contents of the ledger were apparently known to him through some other sense. “The diversification is noted,” said the clerk, “but has been deemed insufficient.” He did not specify what threshold would have been sufficient, nor did he seem to think this information relevant.

Figure 4: Arms import by India

When India attempted to introduce evidence of America’s own arms dealings (Figure 5), the clerk closed his ledger with a decisive snap. “That is a separate department,” he said. “Different forms would be required, which must be submitted in triplicate to an office whose location changes daily.” He smiled thinly. “Business is business, after all.”

Figure 5: Export of Arms to Israel

The proceedings continued without clear indication of when they had begun or might end. India’s status as a democracy was acknowledged but found to be an aggravating rather than mitigating factor. “A democracy,” said Mr. President, “should know better than to exercise independence.” The paradox did not appear to trouble him.

As the indictment concluded, India realized that no defense had been requested, no opportunity for rebuttal provided. The judgment had been rendered before the charges were even read. “You must choose sides,” said Mr. President, though there was clearly only one choice being offered. “Now, not later.” The distinction between now and later remained unclear, as though time itself had been compressed into a single, eternal moment of decision.

India looked around for an exit but found only walls covered in regulations written in fading ink, their meanings obscured by countless amendments and exceptions. It understood then that it had always been guilty, and would remain so indefinitely. The trial, such as it was, had been merely a formality—the bureaucratic confirmation of a sentence long ago determined by some hidden cause.